Chemo sucks, but it’s also pretty much my bff.  I kind of feel about chemo like I did about my mom when I was fourteen.  I want to slam my bedroom door in its face.  I want to blame everything that’s wrong in my life on it.  It’s totally not cool, and it definitely embarrasses me (Oh hey, adult acne!).  Buuuuut, I actually know that I can’t live without it.  It really does have my back, and I’m certainly glad it’s there.  Just, you know, don’t tell it that for another five or ten years.

You guys, I made it through my first treatment.  You don’t want to hear all of my moanings and groanings.  I’ll just tell you that it wasn’t as bad as I thought it might be.  (I’m actually pretty nervous to publish that last sentence since I have five more rounds and the effects of chemo are cumulative, but it’s true…for now.)  I was down for about a week with a couple of bad days and one day that had me very worried about what the next day might be like.  Now, two weeks later, I almost feel normal.  I’ll go again next Monday for another swift kick.

Can we talk about some lifestyle changes that I have (and am still trying) to make?  More specifically, my deodorant situation.  (I know you guys have always wanted to go down this road with me.)  You see, I have switched to an all natural, non-toxic deodorant because antiperspirants are as shady as my junior year prom date’s intentions.*  More specifically, the aluminum and other nasties in antiperspirants have been linked to cancer and alzheimer’s, among other things.  Here’s my dilemma: I stink.  As I was tucking Penny in the other night, she said, “Mom, you need to take a shower.  You stink!”

“I do?  What do I smell like?”

She scrunched up her nose, thought for a moment, and replied, “Like old crusty dirt.”

I laughed for a minute straight, but I mean, come on!  It’s one thing to have my three year-old think I stink, but I can’t live my life like this.  I’m way too pretty to stink.  (I hope you know I’m just kidding.  Kind of.)  And I can’t even slather on some pretty smelling lotion because those are toxic too.  I guess what I’m getting at is twofold.  1) Do any of you guys know of a non-toxic deodorant that won’t have my daughter heckling me at bedtime?  I’m using primal pit paste.  2) If you notice my stink, I am so, so, so sorry; I am currently trying to decide between living a long life and having friends.

It’s funny because, before all of this, I thought we were a pretty healthy household.  We ate our fruits and veggies and whole wheats and drank mostly water.  We played outside every day.  Ugh.  Other changes underway: juicing, much less meat and dairy, organic everything, non-toxic everything, not a single diet coke since my diagnosis.

I had another realization this week.  I guess I have been noticing this slowly,  but I am turning into my mother!  Gah.  With each slightly inappropriate joke I tell, I feel it.  Every time I laugh at my kids before correcting them, I know it.  She used to embarrass me so much, and, at a time, I thought that she didn’t have much self-awareness…but there I was…at a family event…sitting between my brother and my 82 year-old grandpa…talking about how I don’t have a second base anymore and joking that Josh just gets to go straight to third.  Oh man.  Who does that?  My mom.  And now me.  I miss her.

My cousins told me that I couldn’t start a blog and then not have time for it.  So there.  I hope my random brain dumps suffice for now.  You see, my daughters don’t care if I have cancer or if I’m down because of chemo.  They still demand that I get my mom on.  I’m off to make dinner now.


*Just kidding, Jeff.  You were and have always been nothing but a gentleman.

5 comments on “I broke up with diet coke and am turning into my mother. I don’t think they’re related though.”

  1. Heather, so glad you are writing this blog! I look forward to hearing you progress. I went through all of this with my mom when we were in high school. A lot of it brings back memories reading what you write. Having a mom that has already gone through this, my sister and I are always looking into preventative measures. I have yet to find a deodorant that 1) works 2) doesn’t make my pits break out. We used Primal Pit Paste for a while, but eventually we both broke out. The search continues… You are such a strong (and funny) woman. You will get through this like my mom did. She is 16 years cancer free this year. YOU CAN DO IT. Love ya!

  2. My sister is crazy about all organic EVERYTHING!! She too makes her own deodorant and we just spent a week in the hot sun at a water park together and she didn’t stink. I will give her your number and you guys can swap all natural, organic, non-toxic stories, recipes, and fails lol. I hope she can help with the heckling in your home!!

  3. That asterisk needs to be about 3X the size it actually is. It took me a second, after initially laughing, to reflexively mutter “hey wait a second…that was m” and then I found the footnote.

    Regardless, it worked well for the joke. And I’m glad you took up this blog. For those of us far away, it helps us feel closer to you. And its hilarious. I look forward to future musings and recollections of my personal insecurities revised for punch lines.

    Love you lady.

    • Thanks, Jane. And yes, I miss her so much too. I’m sad that I didn’t get to know her as an adult. There are definitely things about her that I have only appreciated since I had my own children. Sometimes I think about how much easier this would be with her here.

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