When I was first diagnosed, I got angry.  I would go to Target or somesuch, look around at other people, and get angry.  It wasn’t very nice, but it’s the truth.

“Look at her,”  I would think. “Why doesn’t she have breast cancer?  She’s huge.”

“And her!” I would think in the parking lot upon seeing a middle-aged woman putting out a cigarette on her way in. “I don’t understand why it’s not HER.  I’ve never smoked a cigarette in my life!”

I would look at children and wonder why MY children were so unlucky.  Why my children may have to lose their mother.

I would get mad at myself for having such thoughts.  I didn’t want anyone else to have breast cancer, but I couldn’t reason it for myself.  I am not the portrait of health, but I am not the portrait of unhealth either.

After one such trip where I deemed approximately ten other women more worthy of this diagnosis for various reasons, I laid in bed with Josh and cried.

WHY ME?

IT’S JUST NOT FAIR.

Then something happened to me that has never happened before.  Something that I wasn’t sure actually happened to people.

God spoke to me.  He whispered, “I chose you.”

I know many of you don’t like to discuss such things or just don’t believe.  But believe me.  God chose me.

He didn’t tell me why.  He never repeated Himself.  But I know, without a doubt, that this was supposed to happen.

Knowing this didn’t make the “journey” (what a dumb word for what I’ve been through) easier.  It didn’t make chemo hurt less or keep my hair from falling out.  It didn’t erase my fears or eradicate my tears.  It didn’t feed my kids when I could barely get out of bed.  It didn’t give my husband the sleep he was so short on.  But I did stop comparing myself to others, and I stopped asking, “Why me?”

Because God chose me.  God has plans for me that I may never understand.  Or never see the full effects of.

And I have to believe the same of Sam Biggs.

Sam was diagnosed with liver cancer, at five-years-old, just weeks before me, and although I only really know his parents and only met him twice, I kind of felt like we were in this together.

Sam died today.

It’s hard for me to understand why this would ever happen to a child, but I think, in God telling me that He chose me, he also let me know that He chose Sam.

I can’t speak for the heartbreak that his family is now experiencing.  And I don’t want to pretend to know anything about it because I don’t.  I can only imagine, and I don’t even like to do that.

I can speak for our community and say that we care.  I can say that, although Sam was only six-years-old, he moved us.  He changed us.  He made us better.

His parents may never understand why (or maybe they’ve had conversations of their own?), but we can help them understand how their family has changed us.  What Sam’s life meant TO US.  And we can make sure to be there for them when they need it.  Through prayer.  In hugs and meals and friendship.  By not forgetting Sam, whom God chose.

Biggs

**If you want to help but don’t know the Biggs family personally or don’t know how, you can always donate directly to the family here.  Even when cancer is destroying your life, you still have to pay for it…

2 comments on “Cancer really sucks. Especially today.”

  1. In a way, I get it. Going to Target was one of the hardest things for me. To drive there and walk around, like things were “normal”, when they SO were NOT…..THAT caused some of my bigger breakdowns. I just wanted MY normal back. I never felt like “why me?” I always felt like “why NOT me?”. I still feel cheated out of our normal life, but I have learned through these past years, that there really is no “normal” anymore. Many people have their “cancer”, mine just happens to be marketed the hell out of a pink ribbon. Our community has lost several young kids to cancer over the last couple of years, and each one is wrong. Each one is too much. Each one is too many. I hope that one day, no one has to lose their Sam, their Declan, their Mathias, or their mom. Keep writing!

  2. I’m so sorry loss , my daughter (Brandy) and she has kept Me updated on Sam from day one . No words can be said to ease your pain and grief , just know that I am so sorry and your in my prayers and thoughts at this time ! God Bless you .

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