I’m not gonna lie; I’ve had a little stage fright lately.  (My blog is, obvs, a stage, and I guess I’m pretty much a drama queen.  Though, not really.)

There have been lots of new people around here since the heathline win (Hi!  And welcome!), when before it was just, like, my dad, my cousin Sue, sometimes my eighth grade boyfriend, and, once, Taylor Hanson.  I would come here, write a post the way I would tell it to my bffs (Only I’m much better in writing.), and hope no one unfriended me.  That was that.  I was in it to make myself laugh and to let everyone know what the latest haps were.  Then, more people starting coming around, and I got nervous.  Like I was trying to watch my mouth at my grandpa’s on Easter.  The thing is, though, is that my grandpa doesn’t care.  He’s one funny s.o.b.  And knowing that Grandpa Gene has my back, I decided to keep running my mouth (fingers?) and get over myself.

Thanksgiving with Grandpa Gene.
Thanksgiving with Grandpa Gene.

So first things first.  You guys, my blog stats page sometimes shows me search terms that landed people here, and I’m noticing a very dirty trend.  Yesterday, someone googled “killer body trying boobs nude girls hd hot” and found their way here.  Two days ago, it was “girls post ur boobs.”

I can only assume that, when they found themselves on this here breast cancer site — almost the exact opposite of what they were going for — they were more than a tad disappointed.  Which cracks. me. up!  I kind of love that some guy (I mean, let’s just assume it’s a guy because duh.) took to the interwebs to get his jollies and wound up here — a site that is centered around what happens when boobs are not your friends…when, in fact, boobs try to kill.  They are more Freddy Krueger than Pamela Anderson.  You have to cut or be cut.  So anyway, he ends up with pictures of a woman with NO BOOBS and she’s bald!  Bahaha.  Serves him right.

It kind of makes me want to type in words like “hot” and “young” and “naked” and other words that I just can’t bring myself to type to trick more people.  And also, maybe it’s a good way to get more readers.  Who’s to say they don’t have a little read while they’re here?  Like, Oh no!  That’s not what I was going for (penis probably in hand), but what is this she’s saying about how to talk to a person with cancer?  And oh look, she finally got to ring the bell.  Good for her!  You go, girl!

Maybe I’m inadvertently teaching pervs that breast cancer is more than a pink ribbon?  This trickery could probably be good for society.

I’m not quite sure how to transition out of that and into my next topic so let’s just take a huge leap together…

My husband is kind of losing it.  (Josh okayed this post.)  It has been a slow progression, but we are passing each other as I’m on the road up, and he’s on the road down.  And I just wanted to talk about this because it’s the truth.  Breast cancer sucks.  For everyone involved.

Last weekend, some friends and I went out for dinner and drinks to celebrate my win and my new column.  Josh and I (who never get to be alone anymore!) got a babysitter two hours early and went to a coffee shop to talk and dream.  It was great!  But by the end of our two hours, Josh’s mood started going downhill.  As we quietly drove to meet our friends, I asked him if he was okay.  He was just tired.

“Well, if you want, you can just drop me off and go home to get some rest.”

“That would be great, Heather.  Thanks for saying that.  You really don’t mind?”

Uhhh….  Umm… Those were just things I said.  I didn’t really think you’d do it.  Umm…

“Sure, yeah, that’s fine.  I know you’ve been tired lately.  Brandy can give me a ride home.”

So that’s what he did.  Except, Josh told me that, when he got home, he saw through the window that the girls were having a good time with their cousin/babysitter and decided to go out for a burger.  Alone.  While I ate with friends at a different place.  After a while, he did go home to hang out in the basement while his niece continued to babysit.  I’m sure she was all “No big deal.  My uncle is just downstairs having a mid-life crisis.”

Okay, yes, I’m joking about this (That is how I deal, as you know.), but I know that it’s also very serious.  Josh really is so tired.  He’s having a hard time focusing.  And I think everything is just now hitting him.

He didn’t have time to fall apart before.  He had to be the sane one.  I’m not saying that we didn’t both have some dark days, but he really didn’t share those with me much.  I was in no place to deal with anyone else’s worries.  Now I’m realizing what his worries must have been.

He's just our favorite.  Him and balloons.
He’s just our favorite. Him and balloons.

We are a couple that shares everything.  We are oversharers.  Sometimes to a fault.  And through this, Josh has kind of been on his own.  I was just incapable of handling anything other than myself (which I didn’t always do well).  That is just the truth of my year with cancer.  Now that I am coming out of the emotional and mental fog, Josh is finally letting go.

To top it off, the man is really physically tired.  He had to take on so much.  He was working, taking care of our daughters, taking care of me, probably worrying about our future…  He’s just tired.

Over the last week, we’ve had some really good talks…and he’s had some weekend naps.  I’m really trying to pay attention to Josh’s needs now that I can handle other people’s needs again.  We’re also planning some time away.


I can already see Josh coming back.  We didn’t realize how far apart we had been.  Although cancer made us love harder and deeper, it also put us in survival mode, and it just kicked our asses.

I guess I just wanted to let you know that we are still fighting.   While we do realize how lucky we’ve been, there is no definite end point to this.  We are still finding our way, but much like those pervy pervs searching dirty things keep ending up here, we keep finding ourselves in unexpected places too.

6 comments on “Internet Searches and Survival Mode.”

  1. I can see (read) why Sarah my sister said you should be a writer. I am sorry you had cancer and are going through the treatments that are brutal. Just wanted to say you are amazing and I love reading your blog. In fact you are the only one I am following.

  2. Keep your chin and spirits up. Take that prize money and you and Josh go just rest and be together. Medical bills will still be there and can be paid upon. Enjoy the new normal and reconnect. You Both deserve it! I love your humor which is how I cope too. You make me feel normal!

  3. I have no doubt that you will help him come back around to his normal old self. A weekend away will be the start of that. I hate that both of you had to go through this, but I’m glad that you had Josh there by your side. He genuinely is one of the most caring, thoughtful, and warm hearted person I know. I love you both!

  4. There has been a great deal lately on Stand Up To Cancer about caregivers. They are forgotten way too often. My husband was so excited about getting tuna noodle casserole once we found out I had cancer. We didn’t get one and I finally had to make one when I had a good chemo day. He also bought a crazy sports car and then found out he couldn’t get snow tires, so he bought a new pick up truck. I understood, because it is tough. He had to be strong for me and just put up with his craziness. I’m glad you are getting back to closer to normal, a new normal. Enjoy.
    I just had my birthday, first one since getting my diagnosis. It was so great, nothing special, but I had been worried I wouldn’t make it.

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