Today is my thirty third birthday, and I am feeling grateful and scared.  Grateful, now more than ever, for another year.  (I can promise that I’ll never dread another birthday or celebrate another anniversary of my 29th birthday.)  Scared because I might not get to raise my daughters.  Only time will tell.

When I lay in bed awake at night (something I never used to do–Underhills are of a tribe of glorious sleepers), I think about how all I want to do is be with my family.  Then I think of my mom.

My mom died at 46.  Forty six.  I’ve always known that was young.  The older I get, the more I realize just how young that is though.  And then I think about the fact that I am only 33, and I am desperate to make it to 46 (and beyond).  I have shed many tears wondering if I’ll live as long as my mom did.  Wondering if I’ll get the time to love my daughters the way she loved me.  Wondering if I’ll be lucky enough to leave them with enough of me to get through their lives having known my heart.  A mother’s love is irreplaceable.  It’s something that I am all too aware of.

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But I can’t go through this day without just smiling.  I am another year older, and approximately 72 and a half years wiser.  I will always remember 32.  It sucked — and I am still sorting it out — but it was the year that taught me that I can do anything.

My hope for 33 is that it will be the year that I have enough courage and dedication to myself to follow my heart.  To really live the way I want to live and to be who I want to be.

1 comment on “33.”

  1. Happy Birthday young lady! I know the fear you have, I was left with a “not very long life” from 7 specialist after a motercycle accident, if I lived it would be as an invalid, and never to have children. At 28, I owned my own business and as a hairdresser being told I would never be able to work again at a profession that was never a “job” to me and I wanted children more than anything. I was back at work 3mos. later and at 36 I gave birth to a beautiful little blessing , Katie. and a couple of years later a handsome son, Dustin. I asked God to just let me live to get them through high school… I taught Katie everything I could think of that she would need to know to become independent and be able to take care of other, her daddy and little brother. I wrote about me, and health things I thought she might need someday… today as I near 62, I am thanking God for this time and asking if he might see fit for me to have more time so that I might see grandchildren one day. and that I am happy for all that he has given me. God bless you sweet girl, I know your Momma is so very proud of you and the strong woman you have grown up to be. I can see your Grandmom Rosie smiling also! Much love and happiness to you on this special day and for the rest of your beautiful life!

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